Facing it Down

This enemy I am fighting,
Believes it has its teeth in me,
With its final desperate strike,
Believes it can haunt my soul,
With its premonition of darkness,
It taunts with mocking grin,
'Just who is the ruler here?',
It fears that I am about to spill and speak,
About to escape from this dirty prison,
And it is right come win, lose or draw,
It is right that this is the showdown,
Let us face it now why not?
For one of us must be right the other wrong,
Let us have it out now why not?
For my only sickness is doubt,
My only weakness is clinging on,
To the vain idea of my body's reality,
I will not cower in the presence of evil,
I will not shrink back from the truth,
If I fall I wish to fall on a warrior's battlefield,
Charging towards love with a scent of steel,
If I fall I wish to fall laughing at my little self,
Declaring an example that inspires my kin,
Blesses their future path with a showering gold,
So I pull out the fiery darts that pierced my chest,
Spit on the ground that still withstands my frame,
Summon the hordes who have waited this day,
Since paradise was lost and inferno's burned,
Let us take this citadel of our lifetime's fear,
Ransack and plunder the demons within,
In the name of all who tonight shake and weep,
Let us cry 'Release!Release!' in unified roar,
Let us burn every shred of the imposter's lair,
Grimacing at the ruthlessness of virtue's claim,
And waking with a pledge never to relinquish again.

( I wrote this poem in a period when I was experiencing panic attacks about my health. I was driving to a hotel near Oxford and I started getting stinging pains in my chest. I had had these pains over a couple of weeks and it was frightening me. I had started to create dark images in my mind; images of heart attacks and ambulances and the like. As I drove, I played out these vivid fantasies in my mind and I got more and more scared. When I got to my destination I gave myself a good talking to and said 'Right, I am making a stand on this here and now! Let's face this down' So I went to the bar, bought a pint and wrote these words. It was like breaking an evil spell that had got a hold of me and it was time to show it who was the boss of my mind, the boss of my thoughts - ME! Ultimately, I worked myself into an equal and opposite frenzy of courage and defiance amidst a glorious honourable death. In effect, I was creating a new movie in my mind and, through this poem, making it vivid, inspiring and real. As is often the case in my poetry, the words move from the personal to the collective as I broaden out the message from my own puny panic attack to all the worried and the doubting and the frightened in the world. It gives me strength to do this and I hope it gives you strength too. Of course, a few days later I went to visit the doctor and was diagnosed with the not often fatal condition of 'acid reflux'! And I am OK for you to have a good laugh at my expense at this point .....so long as you can put your hand on your heart and tell me you have never, ever had any crazy little fears that have remotely ruled your life.)