Letting You Down

I never let you down,
Never let you off my back,
Kept you there cause you knew good jokes,
And whispered them in my ear,
As I laughed I was tempted to forget,
That my legs were aching so,
As I laughed I was tempted to forget,
That I carried you down my path,
A pact we made that served us well,
Through many a difficult day,
But with it crept in our dependency,
And a pinch of grief and jealousy,
A twist of judgement and complacency,
So now I let you down at last,
Onto your wasting limbs that will find their feet,
I let you down at last,
Finally giving each back the independence that we stole many years ago,
The crown jewels that are now restored,
In the castles of our forgiven hearts.

(I wrote this poem many years ago following the breakdown in a valued relationship. I was reminded of it yesterday. Dependency is a theme that I am a bit obsessed with or you could say I am passionate about it. How does dependency develop in relationships? What is each parties contribution to this? How is indepedendence gained? And what about inter-dependence? How is this different and how can we establish this in our relationships? The poem describes a dependent relationship that has served its full course and ends. In a dependent relationship one carries and one is carried. A deal is struck which both parties agree to and which serves them until the day it does not. Put bluntly, the deal is 'I'll carry you and in return you'll make me laugh' ('kept you there because you knew good jokes'). This sounds trite but is not far from the truth. One party takes responsibility for the practical affairs and the other is free from this. In their freedom they think more creatively, they travel lightly, they can live for the day (well, wouldn't you in their position? :) ). It is important to stress that I am not blaming anyone for this or saying it is wrong, it is just an observation and an experience that I have had. However, the difficulty with dependent relationships is that they are not holistic, they tempt us to dishonour our full selves ('the crown jewels') and this is difficult to sustain over long periods of time without getting tired. Tired emotionally and spiritually. Often dependent relationships end. But sometimes they don't and sometimes they evolve into inter-dependent relationships. This one didn't. In this case, it had gone too far ....)

The Narrow Gate

Attached as we are to all that fades,
Our clothers, our looks, our machinations,
In a society where growing old is a sin,
Like drinking sour wine, eating stale bread,
It sticks in my throat this sickly medicine,
Waiting for a new skin, a new way of living,
One that is not bought by me for me in me,
Waiting for new vessels in which to place my self,
To be reborn under water within Him,
For I have spent this life many times without,
Without relationship, without boundless joy,
Without a sense of the eternal hope springs forever,
Must whisper these words with croaking voice,
Before this world holes me like a pigeon,
Must whisper of surface glimpsed arms aloft,
Yet unless my heart opens now, great bow doors,
Unless I take in the whole of creation in one gasping gulp,
Then it will drown me outside in with a blink inconsequent,
And I will be an old hero, a war story, a collapsing coin spinning utterance,
A random power play in a terminal Universe,
Stark in its choice looms the narrow gate.

( Wooah! What the heck is that all about? I sort of get the first bit (lines 1-7)- a take on consumerism and the meanginglessness of a life devoted to stuff that decays (looks, food, wine). And then there is the line about 'new vessels' which echoes the new testament verse - 'Neither do men pour new wine into old vessels' - Matthew 9:17.  A reference to the fact that transformative change (a rebirth) cannot be superficial. Consumerism as a way of being that does not bring happiness and that focusses upon things rather than relationships. The hopelessness of consumerism. And then (line 13 - 'Must whisper these words...') a sudden self consciousness arising from the lapse into religious language and the steroetyping this will provoke in others. Then finally the choice - the choice between being true to oneself or keeping up appearances. The inability to be half pregnant ( 'Unless I take in the whole of creation in one gasping gulp'). A life of meaning (joy, hope ,eternal) or meaninglessness (coin spinning, random ,terminal). The last line is yet another new testament reference - 'Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.- - Matthew 7:13. Any clearer? I dunno. This guy is stark raving bonkers :) :) lol